hello london

i am unsure of anything constructive right now. i am really really really really lost. and out there. so far out there, floating. i saw this beautiful film about Elizabeth Bishop’s years in Rio. It was amazing and gorgeous and lovely. And so real. And I related. Hard.

 been listening to Prince’s 1999 regularly. it’s amazing. Battie and i dance. 

Yeah, everybody’s got a bomb,
We could all die any day
But before I’ll let that happen,
Ill dance my life away.

there’s so much emotion and blunt blunt blunt directness. i appreciate that a lot.

i have realized so many realities about living here and what that means and has meant for me….i am tired and dead-ended by poor communication here. i am a direct and rational person. i need more people like that around me. i am so misunderstood.  i LOVE Carolina. i do. it is absolutely GORGEOUS. and the food is AMAZING. and there is so much BEER! i know where to find almost anything within an hour of me. it’s wonderful. i became an adult here. i learned true independence and other hard lessons here….but! but but but…..

i am exhausted and tired down to the fucking bone. every day i feel and wish i could sleep for a few days. close out the whole world, everything and be back in the cocoon. a cave of darkness…..no inkling of night or day. and be IN LOVE- with the mirror, with my guts and organs and personality and ability and action. i am beautiful. especially INside.

the passage of time is ummm happening, and i am observing, from a seemingly helpless distance. i fool myself, i know…..i just don’t have the….whatever? to do MORE. there is always MORE, you see. never enough. it’s never never enough never enough.

the music is louder in California. i go back in time to California. i am YOUNGER in California. (it is sorry to say that i’ve only got two years left to wait.)

a running start. 

Requiescat
-Oscar Wilde

Tread lightly, she is near

Under the snow,

Speak gently, she can hear

The daisies grow.

 

All her bright golden hair

Tarnished with rust,

She that was young and fair

Fallen to dust.

 

Lily-like, white as snow,

She hardly knew

She was a woman, so

Sweetly she grew.

 

Coffin-board, heavy stone,

Lie on her breast,

I vex my heart alone,

She is at rest.

 

Peace, peace, she cannot hear

Lyre or sonnet,

All my life’s buried here,

Heap earth upon it.

 

 

 

one day i’ll honor the night. full attention, eyes focused, mind present, true togetherness. in spontaneity, as is my way.

i found my grandmother’s ring after three months of daydreaming….i had been sleeping next to it every night.

the happiest i have been is for others. i am always at a distance. 

everything resonates so so deeply and slowly for me…..it takes ages for me to catch up and REALIZE.

i forget everything. 

the closest i have to describing all of this is that i feel like i come from another planet…. so so distant.

there was an explosion, the fever pitch- KAPOW! the grasping, desperation, life boat, helping hand (pull me out of this mess)—and then, the fallout. radiation, missing limbs, death, blood, so much disease and filth. sigh. god. press on, press on.

i’ve got to let go. just let go and be and feel…..i am so so so so hard on myself. it is exhausting and all-consuming.

every thing in time. every single moment…all the hours.

Lemony Mint Muscadine
1 oz. lemon infused vodka (house made)
2 oz. muscadine juice
1/2 oz. lime mint simple syrup (house made)

it’s sweet. like southern things.

she is amazing.

 i am so in love with my garden….. Totally overwhelmed by its beauty. And then there’s the future! I can’t reconcile all of this…

my love lies in ruin
and better still,
my heart has ceased to care for any one.

walk through this place
as if you’re home
give as a friend
as a will that won’t bend

give all you have,
a little more.

when my grandmother was dying, i made her strawberry milkshakes. every weekend, we would drive up to Fresno to see her. toward the end, she couldn’t drink them anymore. it was alarming, but it never dawned on me what that really meant. i never dealt with it. i never told anyone. i only cried at her funeral. i couldn’t stop….. it’s been 9 years now, and i think of her often. as i’ve learned what love is, i realize how important she was to my life and how much i really lost when she passed. i resemble her more than any other member of my family……i wish i could talk to her all the time. i know she would understand so many things….. she was so wise. i wonder all the time how different my life would be had she lived a few more years……so many things that i experienced i know never would have happened. it is interesting indeed to know how much another’s existence can profoundly affect our lives.

i have experienced another death in my life recently. i cognitively know that it will take so long to feel better. i let myself cry all the time….it feels awful and emptying  all at once. it is so terrible…..slowly and carefully letting go of some one you love so very much. i wouldn’t wish it on any one. i let myself come to tears at the most inconvenient times because i know i have to. i have made the most beautiful, hopeful, simple friend since….. it has been so comforting and important to know them and realize what’s really possible….maybe even for my self. because of this death, i am so much less afraid….and i understand the importance of not being afraid for the sake of others. it is so easy and natural for me to be strong for you….. your happiness is my happiness. i have come to understand that this is more of a rarity. i am endlessly humbled and thankful to know i can feel so strongly in this way….

this beauty is so fleeting…..real beauty is a feeling.

i can let go and not be afraid.
i can be free of guilt.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mdHtTL_KbbM

it really comes down to where your energy is going. that’s really very important- to be alotting for your time….”well, i wallowed for 5 hours….and then there was languishing out in the grass for a couple more….”

those who write are intrinsically stunted, i reckon. there is some kind of delay of emotion, always. i am WEEPING on the drive home! word vomit pooling on the floor boards. it is grotesque, it is bloody. my character is sanded off and down constaaaaantly. (this is so good)

the writer who writes, writing wrote and writ.

i weighed every day for months. i am short-sighted in EVERY THING but this. every single day. every hour, my eyes pouring over all of this…..and it is still such a shame. HOWEVER, it is a glorious fact of this life that even I have more than one soul mate. even more than two.

he just kind of seeped in to every chasm…..

(i think a lot of people just don’t know what to do with me)

being alone with my sorrow is so…..empty(ing?). i say “this is getting somewhere”. i try to believe it. i believe in so little these days. i understand less and less. i am humbled.

i was always in awe….and so, i forgot to breathe. i still haven’t remembered.

everything has really gone all blurred together. i am disoriented.

it is SO fascinating to look back. i am ever thankful for more opportunities to empathize.

society expects you to make educated choices, sans education.

i wish you beautiful music of antiquity. specifically, lulling.

 I am so sorry for your memory.