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-Oscar Wilde

Tread lightly, she is near

Under the snow,

Speak gently, she can hear

The daisies grow.

 

All her bright golden hair

Tarnished with rust,

She that was young and fair

Fallen to dust.

 

Lily-like, white as snow,

She hardly knew

She was a woman, so

Sweetly she grew.

 

Coffin-board, heavy stone,

Lie on her breast,

I vex my heart alone,

She is at rest.

 

Peace, peace, she cannot hear

Lyre or sonnet,

All my life's buried here,

Heap earth upon it.

 

 

 

one day i'll honor the night. full attention, eyes focused, mind present, true togetherness. in spontaneity, as is my way.

i found my grandmother's ring after three months of daydreaming....i had been sleeping next to it every night.

the happiest i have been is for others. i am always at a distance. 

everything resonates so so deeply and slowly for me.....it takes ages for me to catch up and REALIZE.

i forget everything. 

the closest i have to describing all of this is that i feel like i come from another planet.... so so distant.

there was an explosion, the fever pitch- KAPOW! the grasping, desperation, life boat, helping hand (pull me out of this mess)---and then, the fallout. radiation, missing limbs, death, blood, so much disease and filth. sigh. god. press on, press on.

i've got to let go. just let go and be and feel.....i am so so so so hard on myself. it is exhausting and all-consuming.

every thing in time. every single moment...all the hours.

Lemony Mint Muscadine
1 oz. lemon infused vodka (house made)
2 oz. muscadine juice
1/2 oz. lime mint simple syrup (house made)

it's sweet. like southern things.

she is amazing.

 i am so in love with my garden..... Totally overwhelmed by its beauty. And then there's the future! I can't reconcile all of this...

my love lies in ruin
and better still,
my heart has ceased to care for any one.

walk through this place
as if you're home
give as a friend
as a will that won't bend

give all you have,
a little more.

when my grandmother was dying, i made her strawberry milkshakes. every weekend, we would drive up to Fresno to see her. toward the end, she couldn't drink them anymore. it was alarming, but it never dawned on me what that really meant. i never dealt with it. i never told anyone. i only cried at her funeral. i couldn't stop..... it's been 9 years now, and i think of her often. as i've learned what love is, i realize how important she was to my life and how much i really lost when she passed. i resemble her more than any other member of my family......i wish i could talk to her all the time. i know she would understand so many things..... she was so wise. i wonder all the time how different my life would be had she lived a few more years......so many things that i experienced i know never would have happened. it is interesting indeed to know how much another's existence can profoundly affect our lives.

i have experienced another death in my life recently. i cognitively know that it will take so long to feel better. i let myself cry all the time....it feels awful and emptying  all at once. it is so terrible.....slowly and carefully letting go of some one you love so very much. i wouldn't wish it on any one. i let myself come to tears at the most inconvenient times because i know i have to. i have made the most beautiful, hopeful, simple friend since..... it has been so comforting and important to know them and realize what's really possible....maybe even for my self. because of this death, i am so much less afraid....and i understand the importance of not being afraid for the sake of others. it is so easy and natural for me to be strong for you..... your happiness is my happiness. i have come to understand that this is more of a rarity. i am endlessly humbled and thankful to know i can feel so strongly in this way....

this beauty is so fleeting.....real beauty is a feeling.

i can let go and not be afraid.
i can be free of guilt.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mdHtTL_KbbM