August 27, 2013
-
hello london
i am unsure of anything constructive right now. i am really really really really lost. and out there. so far out there, floating. i saw this beautiful film about Elizabeth Bishop’s years in Rio. It was amazing and gorgeous and lovely. And so real. And I related. Hard.
been listening to Prince’s 1999 regularly. it’s amazing. Battie and i dance.
Yeah, everybody’s got a bomb,
We could all die any day
But before I’ll let that happen,
Ill dance my life away.there’s so much emotion and blunt blunt blunt directness. i appreciate that a lot.
i have realized so many realities about living here and what that means and has meant for me….i am tired and dead-ended by poor communication here. i am a direct and rational person. i need more people like that around me. i am so misunderstood. i LOVE Carolina. i do. it is absolutely GORGEOUS. and the food is AMAZING. and there is so much BEER! i know where to find almost anything within an hour of me. it’s wonderful. i became an adult here. i learned true independence and other hard lessons here….but! but but but…..
i am exhausted and tired down to the fucking bone. every day i feel and wish i could sleep for a few days. close out the whole world, everything and be back in the cocoon. a cave of darkness…..no inkling of night or day. and be IN LOVE- with the mirror, with my guts and organs and personality and ability and action. i am beautiful. especially INside.
the passage of time is ummm happening, and i am observing, from a seemingly helpless distance. i fool myself, i know…..i just don’t have the….whatever? to do MORE. there is always MORE, you see. never enough. it’s never never enough never enough.
the music is louder in California. i go back in time to California. i am YOUNGER in California. (it is sorry to say that i’ve only got two years left to wait.)
a running start.
