September 6, 2013
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there is a light; it never goes out.
i remember learning to write. it was very natural.
i am going deaf. i can't stop.i am so thankful for the full appreciation, every single day, of love. of sorrow. i read De Profundis in high school and felt it the most beautiful thing. it was my Walden. through such talented writing, i could, well, still intellectually, FEEL Oscar's sorrow. i KNEW what he felt. i knew it. it was amazing. it opened my mind. it opened my heart.
Alone
i miss being alone. i catch glimpses of the memory of solitude.....but i can't recall the last time i felt alone. when i am physically alone, the tears come much more easily. it feels good to weep......i cry for any and every thing. Dick Gordon and guest weave a sad story and i am sobbing. i think on beautiful memories, and tears. tears for all.Others
i am so lost as to what i want from others. and what is fair, what is ok. what is healthy. i would so love to be understood. more fully. i know totally is impossible, now. i am no longer clever. i am like a cat. living in the moment and the five minutes there after. i can imagine the future, i KNOW it's coming, but there is no trust. and so, there are groceries for today and tomorrow maybe.....money for catastrophe at any moment. i would like an other to hold a blank enough....umm, general idea enough so that i can apply a trusted and full illusion of understanding. a clever soul. certainly. i believe in this.Rambling
the two males in my life i've loved most have been anxiety-ridden ramblers. talking talking talking talking for hours into days about all manner of things and in such an extraordinary way. how can they go on for as long as they do?! i will never be able to replicate it. i think perhaps this is a key- to attempt to do so....? what a feat. all the understanding to be reaped....eh?
