that chick with the fetish style
disillusionment is the roughest one for me.
i finally purchased This Island and....it's good.
i over-did it. i think. ugh.
thursday morning is for visiting the El Greco down the road and kissing sorrows goodbye.
i miss Oscar. i always felt stronger in his writings.
i'm so very tired.
miss you and kiss you.
919.450.7499 (call to see me in California- this is for you, Angielove)
could it be my brand new nose?
i feel completely helpless and alone. i don't know what to do to help.i feel like my attempt to do so would only serve to hurt me further. does that make me a selfish person- in that i'm unwilling to even tryto stand up and say "you're committing fraud, and i'm sure you'restealing from other people too"? are inaction and ignorance equatable sins to any other? the outcome of all this insanity is that i will getthe money back that my employer stole and these two new vows to myself:
i will never work for a corporation again.
i will never accept health insurance again.
NO big business is morallyclean. it's easy to fool yourself into thinking it possible, but whenexamined and experienced you will stumble upon that bit of clear glassto really look inside. many of us are better purveyors of the propermagic it takes to effectively delude one's self into this blindness andwill never have to feel the pain of truth entering their minds.others....many different things come of those. i'm still not surewhat's going to come of me yet.
what i've learned this afternoon is that the only sort of solitude that is perpetually maintained is in your own mind. which is something i am eternally grateful for. no one, nothing, not ever, can touch or harm me.
moving onward- i am very much looking forward to being with the best people i've ever known and home, in my valley. just the thought of driving down the 99 brings tears to my eyes. home, happiness, love.
kiss kiss
i won't ever ask for your surrender
going home in October. i get to see SF and go for a nice drive down the middle of the loveliest state there is, home. i feel so relieved. yays.
life is good. i feel nice. positive. the kitten is huge and fluffy and lethargic during daylight hours. so sweet. i'm going to make the most of these last few months off. last winter of peace. i've resigned my mind to school next sem, and feel completely at ease with it, at the moment. ahem. ha.
i listen to Diane Rehm as often as is possible, and currently receive all my information of the outside world from public radio. it's about 70 radio, and 30 ipod these days. better for my hearing, i'm sure.
i need to get to NY before the year is up. who's coming with?
kiss kiss
fullness of sound
let's go. really.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Epigenome crazy neat. expression is important.
www.patcondell.com it is so good to be connected.
bland breathing...stagnancy. i am SO young. i am SO SO SO SOOOO young. i'm in no hurry for anything. not for anything.
my only pangs these days are for writing on travels to and from raleigh. i miss being chauffeured around. it is divinity.
whilst driving home from chapel hill this morning, i listened to this woman tell of her experience being stalked over the course of 15 some years. she described herself to be very much like me. she was not complacent in making mistakes, but rather grateful to have had the opportunity to learn from them. her father was an alcoholic, and she made poor choices in men on the rare occasion she was in a relationship. "happy to be alone" is how she put it. she moved some 20 times in an 18 month period. one thing she stressed was how thankful she was to not have had any children at the time. sigh.
scientific american has a lovely artical mentioning the "mitochondrial eve" and draws out the "out-of-africa" theory. my poor european blood. i am prone to such horrible disease. am i part neanderthal?
i miss collecting. i cannot seem to muster the desire to even throw away all that's filling my closet. relics, really. cds? really? this is a flux.
i miss oscar. i miss virginia. i feel so alone without them. thoughtfulness is so damned important. i have this newfound respect for myself which i believe i've adhered to well, thus far. what a shame to lose it, no?
next mania, i'm going to be prone to action i suspect. i've always had an actress inside.
all is a dream. goodnight.
kiss kiss
we can watch the world devoured
physical distance. i just want to touch my books. just to touch.
this is the difference between us.
through Dissolution, onto Separation. truly, knee-deep in all that sorting air. it's so relaxing to let the feminine in. i know lovely women who cry daily, and i will not be ashamed of doing the same (the goal, at least).
being so far from my love is proving painful. catch up. how else am i to grow resilient? how else will i learn proper strength?
let. there is nothing to be sure of.
"....the components of the polluted solution from Dissolution are separated out by filtration, cutting, settling, or agitation with air. Any ingenuine or unworthy material is then discarded- the most basic constituents of the matter at hand are revealed."
Who is aware, Brianne?
mercury lulled
i am losing it. emotionally handicapped. god damn.
ummm......???? a bee colony has taken refuge within my various inards. they are so busy these mornings. building, living, etc. i don't have anything to share.
i couldn't sleep for twitching hands forced into idleness. buzz buzz buzz buzz...... i drew out many triangles and squares. and then triangles within squares. whatever happened to focus on the rotund? eh? quick and to the pointlessness. and THEN my lady rang and i accomplished more sobbing. it's better to leave me out of it. she won.
ahem. i would so much prefer just a simple uneasiness. just simple.
like a mirror. i finally burned myself at work. i am immensely proud of my own wound dressing. my own nurse. ha.
i tired of the study so soon. i'm absolutely lost. yesterday. whoa.
love love
it poured all day.
i wouldn't know where to begin.
i don't know how to change things.
i don't know how to protect others from this.
i don't understand this sort of insanity.
i don't know how to relax right now.
all i can do is cry.
i hate feeling so small and helpless.
i can't.
i'm not as strong as i claim to myself.
i'm not that great. even for me.
sigh.
i don't have the energy to be enticed and impassioned at this.
i don't know where to go.
i don't know.
i can't.
this is brownness. how ugly of us all. i don't remember feeling this close to the ground always. i don't remember at least knowing. at least creating. i don't remember. i miss my fantasies.......this is a death. i am in mourning.
black.
black.
black is best.
i want to be alone.
feeling amaryllis
this makes my mind go every which-way. he has some piece that you're meant to put your hands to. a bridge for the concrete. i wonder what colors and stories he's brimming with. it's the mannered precision.
i cannot seem to breathe good sound. i don't know what to do or where i can go. let's do as the Medici did. take me to some Boticelli, please. i'd like to ponder creation for just a few moments.
repetition. i can't beat you. i've tried. isn't that already on the list? whipping, yelling, and uh...repetition? yes. i've recently grown overly smitten with the circle. i couldn't say much else.
they always leave off on giving me this horribly dissonant feeling. i'm going to push all that away, forever now. no more. forget all that. i crave fat beats so often now. again, where will i go for it? i am grown so deadened to that which at one time found me so well. i must manage some bit of abstinence, i believe. overindulgence cannot be the death of me.
i'm frightened by the total goal
nothing so vacant
sigh. i spend lunch hours with this:
this: http://www.levity.com/alchemy/faust.html is good.
life is sweet. i don't know what to do with myself.
i spend the drive home from work focusing on relaxation. let it all float off. it's a constant battle. and then i've been ignoring other things.....my bedroom is atrocious. i wouldn't wish it on you.
i'm growing and learning and living and making up for all that lost time, i suppose. it's a towering wave crashing over and over. smack smack....and how the pain makes me swoon.
kiss kiss
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