sit me down. shut me up.

i am content to keep hands and arms laced at my sides. i am content to only breathe and hear you.
my clothes are wrinkling this moment. i am content.
my mind won't race. my thoughts won't burn out. my brain won't stop. i am here.
who is aware, Brianne?
not even one requires a plan...... don't think it out. feel in to it.
ch ch ch chhhh
give me your mind.
let's drink tea on my porch. let's play Risk in the moonlight.
"are you sure...?"
come on. let's go. LET'S GO.
this is restlessness.

ein tausend Küsse für dich...

shoot me. i should be LIVING OUT OF A BACKPACK IN THE SWISS ALPS RIGHT NOW. i should be READING POETRY TO LOST LOVES AND FAWNING OVER NEW ONES.

i am bored. let's move on. let's go. my skin is crawling away from me now. i don't even want to chase it.

"when did you come home?" "where were you?" "who is your boyfriend?" "where did you stay last night?" i am experiencing a sixteen year-old's paradigm. this is no good....

it's hard being independent. it's hard being restless. it's hard living out of a cage. those nervous and consistently full of anxiety, complaint, are bothering; only in that i don't know yet fully how to put them at ease in my company. i am exhausted.....when more energy is achieved, this is my first work.

i am 22 in 2 month's time. time to get the fuck out. no joke.

mein Ruh' ist hin
meine Herz ist schwer
ich finde Sie nimmer
und nimmermehr

juste toi et moi, chanson

i need days off. now. let's go to D.C.

i miss my brother already. who will i talk to? who will know me when he's gone?

i'm too old for this silliness. i don't believe your lie. i don't feel what should be felt. i'm too old. too jaded. too silly. too wise. too easily bored. so, i build. let's build.

....and what about the beautiful Viking? i rely on the olfactory. i love that which smells best.

T'es si loin, t'es si loin
Je te goûte pas du tout
Faut me guérir amour
J'ai de plus en plus faim
Je suis mon instinct
Ça me met à l'enver
Mon amour....mon amour....

cities in dust

sometimes i wonder. that foreboding feeling is gone.
humanity is a floating column of bodies. that's all. how could Klimt have known?
this is not real. that is not real. there is nothing but how we feel. there is nothing but art.
i could talk to you, but there's nothing to say.
missing you is ok. i will recover. it's all all right.
i'm not worried about Bri. i'm not intimidated.
this is not real. that is not real.
Who is aware, Brianne?
i enjoy being told.

kiss kiss

excuse me, no thank you

eeee gaaaaaads!!!! mother fucker. is there a colony somewhere of eunuchs i can join? any help in finding something similar even would be greatly appreciated....

when it rains, it pours. i've said it once, i will say it again. it's pouring. drought or monsoon. feast or famine. never grey with these things.

life is turning into curry. tikka masala and chickpeas. i'm ok with that.

i need orthpedic shoes. i am fucking pigeon-toed. i only hear 'senora' all damned day long. i'm ok with that also.

kiss kiss

every day i play a sad game called
in the future when all is well....
hold me closely, if you're will allows it
in the future when all is well

just a rainbo conversation

sigh.

i can now more easily recognize the change over in their faces, as it happens. the moment. running around town, screaming and laughing and living it up- and THEN- oh no!- the mask is seen! please baby, aren't you turned on that i don't know what a latte is? god, i'm so hot. thanks, hon. there you go, darling. thank you sweetie. can i get a water with lemon? WHIPPED CREAM?! i hate being so short. i don't feel like a man...but it's ok, because my girlfriend is an entire head shorter than me. what a cunt. i'm not interested in anyone over 140 pounds because uh.....you would weigh more than me, and i'm not down with that. i don't actually want to be friends with you. let's go play pool and drink at the bar, it's what i do with my boyfriend who is 23 and lives with me and my mother in our apartment. i'm not pregnant or anything...hahahahaaahahahahhahsjashajaas

sigh.

today made me fantasize about marrying a rich old man and being his slave. today was a bad day. today made me shake my head at a yelling homeless man and check to make sure my door was locked. today was not good. being out in the table area always causes me to have terribly creative thoughts. i'm sure it's because i'm always so angry when i'm in the table area. trying to appear stoic and composed.

i called G for an ear. i explained my plan. one week. bitches. life is too short.

i see what i do. clearly crystal. i quit things before they can quit me. the end is near, veer right. and that way i can feel numb or nothing while whatever the thing i am quitting gets totally caught off guard and left with all the shit. again, so i am numb and not sad or hurt or anything but numb.

sigh.

tomorrow is heavenly creatures with victorian lemonade showers. ah, bliss.

kiss kiss

dance avoid

i'm reaching a breaking point. things need to change. i want a magical mystery tour. i want to go. just go. anywhere. i've reached a new level of loneliness. acceptance. i am making changes. i am dreaming bigger and bigger. i want action. i want change and growth. i need to go. GO. get out. i have myself, i have my wits and my strength. i don't need anything else. the world is here in front of me. i need only reach out and join it. no screaming jews or jealous ugly girls or pill popping housewives can imbitter me. i am not interested in hate. i am not interested in disillusionment now. give yourself away all you care to. spill your heart out on the floor. i'm not going to help you mop it up. i'm not going to sit there and cry with you. i'm going to fucking walk right through it.

i refuse to suffer fools gladly. i am not interested in entertaining your ignorance. that is not compassion. that is not love. that is not caring. i am not interested in smiling and giggling with you over trifles. i'm going to breathe full and sit with perfect posture. i am going to sing and dance and scream and create. alone. alone.

'ugly people are desperate. you aren't.'

so tell me that i'm all right
and i'll tell you i'm not all right
and these things are so hard to hear
when i'm just trying not to fall off the edge...
of the world

to my detractors

i have been cooking and baking nonstop since quitting my job. tomorrow i have an interview, which is way handy because i have never felt so worthless and complacent in all my life. i must never allow myself a 'break' again. only 'time off' and with a clear, drawn-out plan backed by plenty of funds. silliness will no longer be tolerated. grow the fuck up.

so many hopes.

i can make the sunrise daily
right up from your landscape painting

i was not prepared for all that emotion that goes along with being with those boys. it was amazing to sense that magic i feel when i'm with them- they make my world spin, even when either is doped up on who knows what. having one be so very depressingly low and the other so lovely and high and wonderful at once was off-putting. i can't sleep or breathe for thinking of them.

i have learned not to count on much. words and feelings are not promises and constant. i'm sleepy of silly dreams concerning others. i want to love me more. i'm sleepy of hearing others. i only want my voice. i don't want to drink with you. i don't want to talk about work. i don't want to know how your day was. i don't care about what i'm doing tomorrow, or what i accomplished. what about the flowers and the moon and the fucking sky? what about out past elderwood? what about the cows and the breathable air and all the stars?

i want to be selfish. i want to be quiet and alone.

i beheld my first Gentileschi (this one) at the virginia museum of fine art. oh, how i swooned. additionallly, richmond is a lovely city, only a short drive from here, and its fan is crawling with jews. who knew?

yesterday was the last at that horrible job of mine. now, i must crusade.

tomorrow i am in california. how i've missed my love.

i saw religulous. the first stop maher made in the film was at a 'truck stop chapel' in raleigh. i hadn't the foggiest that such things existed, much less half an hour from my home. so besides being enlightening in that way, it was cute and silly.

the el greco, velezquez, etc. show at the nasher was amazingly lovely.

kisses and love