i feel incredibly enlightened. i am incredibly blessed. beyond blessed....it's extravagent.

astute, adept, ardent. these words bother me.... word philosophy?

thank you josh for my hair loss. thank you my love for the color change. i am a walking, waking wanda....and i've loved every second of it.

i bought $70 worth of wheat bran, olive oil, bananas, orange juice, and california rolls. oh yes, and then the same amount in clothes. what the fucking hell?

i can't even describe how messy and oblivious i have been.....good god. there are bleach stains all over the most-used keys on my laptop. how? what?

virginia has a lovely sweater now. it's transparent, yes, but quite cozy-looking. i think she likes it as much as i do on her.

i don't want for much.

forget Gang of Four.....(it's not hard)

a million watts of sound can't compare

the ever-pragmatic, introspective engineer

i am gone. dead. those that survived the fall, i congratulate you. and hello to all the newbies. you are quite welcome.

i just need some sun and fresh air with my solitude. feverish dreams i had this morning.....strange men met online drugging me and threatening my dead family members. i could only sob and beg for their forgiveness. run run grandma....please leave (she wouldn't move)....i'm so sorry uncle marv...i'm so stupid and naiive.....

what exactly am i doing? maybe if all my time is taken up i will finally be safe from mistakes.

a hyperesthetic, weilding my list of tools. parading around as a wanda von dunajew. smelling of mango and every other yellowed fruit. white grainy substances spilling over counters, dishes now taken over the kitchen- but certainly not because there had been any food to be consumed. i live water.

"i'll call you tomorrow" = "i'll call you tonight"

yesterday was all goodness to me. marriage proposals, the same men fawning over me and staring unabashedly, being LOVED, sickly so, a job interview- and this morning, even better news; jawshie is now to be freed from the kentucks. huzzzzzaaaah....

i may be overdoing it with the vitamins. tomorrow we'll see who's fucking anemic.

i want to live with forms and true color inside a nightmare of divisionism. i want space and time, dicelessness.

everything i want

there's a place in the sun
for anyone who has the will to chase one

wonder where i'm off to tonite? i really don't.

sometimes there are situations you will come into where you simply cannot downgrade. take penis-size for instance. i'm almost afraid that i'm going to smell of hair dye for the remainder of this life. so much for a good outcome after the hope of universality...... i'm a fucking yellow-bowed mophead. you should see it.

i've come to the sad realization that i've been looking for something all these years that has literally been with me all along. who is my love? where is my love? look in the goddamned mirror, you stupid whore. YOU are in love with YOU. i don't need/want anyone else. it's taken me so long to comprehend for the fact of never before being able to forgive myself for human error and weakness. now that i am beginning to do so, i can more ably see that i am the only one who will ever do for me. mistakes please me so- greater increase of opportunity to display my self-love with forgiveness.

at this moment i am quite self-focused. i am nearing ok-ness. let me be aware and ok. let me love me.

what really lies beyond the constraints of my mind?

all is frustration felt on the eve of his departure. hmmm.....will petunia even make it to fresno? i will miss that sweet boy who is currently eating pizza before me. soda-drinking, sighing, all those looks. off to the balcony, now....

learning experienced. muahaha....

you will never be understood until you learn to explain yourself articulately. i have a horrible penchant for making everything harder than it should be. and honestly, i don't always take that much pleasure in the ensuing struggle.

sigh. i want to be alone- forever and always.

i'm going deaf. it didn't take that long, either. i've only had my ipod for ummm 3 months(?) and i've already turned into the "say what?!" lady.

esteban has got this constant feed of trash. and he's been pushing it on me for months now......today was the introduction of "the arctic monkeys". sick, i know. he's already wired that winehouse woman in....what's next?

wow ow ow ow ow ow oooow rich rich riiiichhh

and WHY are you still on my buddylist?!

i just don't know what to do with myself.........

arguing is great, but nothing compares to a physical fight with someone you really love. jawshy was in a sour mood......i saw the pensiveness on his face when i drove up.....too bad i had to beat the fucking shit out of him so he'd get over it.

work has been weird.....i have been weird. steven has been weird. weird.

i feel so......STUCK. there is no fluidity in this. i am fucking stuck. for months now......S-T-U-C-K.

sigh.

PERSPECTIVE IS ALL

success!.........?? maybe not.....?

i have mastered unavailability. huzzah. people want me soooooo badly. close the store for me, bri. let me come see you in cali, bri. let me LOVE YOU, BRI. what-the-fuck-ever.

jawshy will be here wednesday. i have that and thursday off. fuck them. i won't answer when they call. done.

petunia scares meeee.......charlie scaaaaares me. 2 vehicles, no fucking safety offered from either. how gypped have i been? spoiled, ungrateful little bitch.

everything is a fucking decision with me. i really am a fucking robot. i am conscious of all of it. ALL of it. i know exactly what the fuck i'm doing- just not in the best way. it's so wasted.

a note on Goldfrapp: Felt Mountain gets you turned on, Black Cherry really gets you going and ready, and then Supernature actually gets you off.

i really fucking hate that man. i really fucking do. goddamn.

http://www.sit-spanking.com/wm/mg/mg031/pclip01.wmv

paralyzation. i feel so......? everyone you touch is going to leave with a piece of you. keep them around until you're sure of your ability to deal when they finally do run off with whatever it is. i miss caseykins and his soothing, i miss nicky & angielove and all their loviness, i miss brianne and all our giggling, i miss rossyboy and his purity, i miss bobblibear's voice and ability to make me feel like everything was going to be just fine (because no matter what, she would make it that way), i miss me and my soul.

life is only a view.

i am incapable of a blatant love relationship. i can love you- more than anyone could ever possibly hope to love you, but only from a distance. i could never tell you how deeply i love you.

i am so ashamed. she kept telling me how beautiful i was today....and i couldn't feel it. i know things, and i can't fucking feel them. i am meant to be alone. it's the only time i can ever really be and feel and do and know. life is going to be reaching a place where i am ok with that (and don't bother explaining to anyone else- find a way to make them all go away).

how long until i get that letter in the mail? i can't stress. physically. i cannot. i refuse to be bed-ridden and pathetic and hopeless like that again. i refuse to let myself be so horribly paralyzed. my health is important to me now.

everything's so different when you're new. i remember when i realized. dear god.........why won't that fucking itch go away?! i flip through my ipod time and time again and i can't fucking find the right scratching.

arrrrrghhhh.......his "oooookaaaaayyy....." i can't fucking take it.

music is free. literature is free. KNOWLEDGE IS FREE.

i know what i'm going to say. i will be sooooooooo maaaaaaad. i'm gonna fucking hate me. i know it already. sick.

maybe i've got to scratch my own itch. maybe i've got to be mine. fucking bitch. goddamn. it's so hot.....but i'd much rather just sweat it all out. i just can't fucking believe. full stop.

this is hardly colloquial

writers can't stick together (with anyone, for that matter). loners- by nature. DUH.

i'm so sick of the cliche of life. "where's some love?!" they all say. plato's symposium is a philosopher's drunken joke. sad and true. i beg for halucination in sound. i can feel the subject growing limbs and cells and pumps and spongey tissues....god builds in notes for girls love lorn and insomniacal, slighted by boys living on the other side of countries. words spoken to build disease, distress, to dismember.

SWITCHED-ON BACH makes me drool.......

this is my fault. or rather, the fault of my father. someone ought to kill him for instilling such insanity in me, the innocent. how was i meant to fend against a wall of sound? how do you wend your way through cyndi lauper, a-ha, moody blues, and supertramp with sanity intact? you fucking don't.

i'm so happy for people pleased. i am so happy for contentment. i am so happy for the happiness of others.... to see you doing what you love brings me the most pleasure. PLEASE ME.

hurting yourself is going to translate over. i've felt it. i will never again have the pangs i did when i was 17. it's not time-  it's making dull. all that digging's gonna catch up to you one day soon.

you wouldn't believe the time i've spent on him. hours and hours upon hours and nights upon nights lying on the floor in the most heartened agony whispering, synthesizing dreams into movement of speech on paper after paper after paper. plastering the walls with manifestos drawn from fantasy born of his unviewable likeness. i, the translator.

(in more ways than one)

i love you in kind

lessons learned:
(stated in good faith and knowledge of my recently-cleared head)

good friends are hard to find.
I WANT AND NEED TO BE ALONE.
having the security of an income should not be taken lightly. at all.
i am a strong person who can take care of themself.
i believe in God.
i can travel places alone and be fine.
there is really no good reason to ever go out of my way to visit my parents.
i have nearly mastered the platonic relationship.
i am a horrible failure at the romantic sort. the rub: do i honestly care....?
i very urgently need to work on my handling of stressors.
jon is an amazing person that i will most likely always love.
i am a lot more human and weak than i previously believed.
i will be ok. i will.

oooooOOOOooOoOOooooh you set my soul alight
 

DRY

perhaps it's me that's been the idealist. love how i've always known it isn't real- it's not honest. you can't pick and choose, you can't have what you've always wanted. it's impossible to never settle and find contentment. everyone is always going to fail everyone else. i've decided it is far more sensical to simply love yourself. and be alone.

of course, i'll pop pills when needed, but i'd really refuse a scheduled regimen. thank you, sweet boy for letting me suck you dry day after day after day from miles upon miles and miles away.

i can't remember the last time i went down the stairs.....it was sunday morning. it's funny, i've got the strength now to be walking around and about, but not the will. where exactly should i go? what exactly do i have to go do? what was that again?

i hate the feeling of reaching that wall. the older i get, the more times i bash up into it while following the others down. they always want to beat me up against it.........why? they must be after the same stuff. how depressing...... i'd hate to unknowingly kill anybody's anything.

the world is really all in love