longing for bruges

on the very inside, at my most pure and honest all i can do is try to protect those who actually are- pure and honest. that's not something you can just decide for yourself. you're born good or bad. you're either the white love, or the black love. i'm the black. your kindness and open gentle nature burns me to the core. and as any competent fire sign does, i self extinguish with tears.

it's that i'm too afraid to breathe because at any second all the air could be sucked away and i'll never get to experience it save for the once.

i now believe in a pre-disposition. everyone is so very same and distant. those you can actually feel are out there and you just see and know them. there's nothing you can force, there's nothing you can avoid. water is water and love is love.

i'm not worth much anymore. i pull shots, swipe your cards and brew coffee all day. i don't see anything's future beyond the great idea of tomorrow. i wish and dream for communistic ideals- and then epcot-like fantasies tinged with sickening sentimentality and droughts of free-enterprise.

never make the sad mistake of letting your love leak. i'm not going to breathe it in. i'm not  going to wade through it. i won't even help you mop it up.

it happened when i was brooming at ex-work while the radio was on. it's not what they're actually saying, its the passion in their voice. i am a slave to humanity- i believe WE are god. we love, are loved, god is love, we are god. it's god you feel in human emotion. the sounds you make when you're drowning, giving birth, begging for your life, singing, meditating. it's the passion in the power of man.

i can't be with you all. i can't hold you all and love you and keep you safe and unafraid.

....but i really wish i could.

how i long for bruges.

new new, everything new. changing........so much change. new job. newness.

oh, the loveliness. i always hate coming back east....i never want to leave.

so, i'm in connecticut. today we're off to boston (to of course meet all the bostonians....). jawsh wants to take the train in. i say, brave the traffic and try to find some parking. we'll see who'll win this battle.... oh! and then the fine arts museum! good grief.....all the things to see.

happiness....

kiss kiss

Zeitgeist.
leaving for connecticut/n.c.
JAWSHIE!!!11@!
drive across country
another drawn-out sabbatical
back to school
save save scrimp save save save saaaaaave= house
the next few months are going to be veeeeeeeery interesting to say the least.....

love love love love lovies lovelove kiss.

i am the spoiled little girl epitomized. to have taken love so lightly, the one gift i could never possibly hope to return while on my feet, shoulders back and head held high, i will pay for having twisted and foresaken- taken completely for granted with my very blood. i feel my punishment growing inside of me (quite literally) at all hours during the day....even a little heart beat.

how dare i assume at anything. how sick one can be to think at an unbalanced nature. all is impossible......... i am a wreck, and i'll display that sad fact to anyone willing to watch me drag my sullen head through the now filthy melted snow of years ago.

if i must row through seas of sand for milleniums knowing only that one day i will come ashore to a vast land of water where he is my king so that i may parish at his feet, i will. oh god, only after tomorrow and monday spent alone.....

how cruel i have been. how sick i am. how lost and hateful i remain.

please let go......

Klimt und Schiele

finally got to converse with my love after more than a week's time. wept at work over it, and ignored my co-worker's calls for help. i really don't fucking care....i miss him more than me. his voice was so distraught even while telling me of all the beauties he's beheld so far in florence, venice, siena. i really cannot wait to pick him up monday.....this is killing me.

two red trucks. others eventually attaching themselves to me as i've attached myself to him. how he loves me so dearly when i can only at best be fond of mine, i will never know. such beauty known can't ever be understood. i am only a mirror, all credit is due to him.

oh, sigh. i am so in love with all the world. behold a full moon, my dears! consecrate your love this night......and breathe the softly perfumed air of silence..... read literature, study the old artists, sing the classics, live life, live love.

kiss kiss

violent consumptional ends

all day spent at work- all day with my "manager" up my ass. laughing at the owner's lame jokes....trying my best to pull off sweet and innocent. i love it when customers call me "dear"- "mam" not so much.

i'm in want of a wife. so much more tempting than the prospect of taking a husband. it's all alright the reflecting i've done today. i shot myself in the foot, it wasn't anybody else (i've finally discovered). and boy did i have fun doing it. hmmm....but not so much the weeping wound i've been nursing for the past year now.

going to desperately try to not lose it during the coming week. my poor self. always tried and untrue.

....i still get those little girls staring at me begging to pay them the slightest bit of attention....you know, those that tremble and quake when i peer in their general direction. i haven't the foggiest- lumps isn't even around.

no one ever sounds/reads/looks like their influences. no wait, that's not true. listening to bjork always has this very extreme effect on me. your insides are so very different and wholly separate from your outsides. ALWAYS. broader and more simply: juxtaposition does not denote similarity.

i love that look he gets. i don't know anyone besides myself to get that look from him. muahahaaa....

it's so plain. all of it. and yet i cannot be me, i cannot survive without this. all of this. play your part. do everything in your power to facilitate movement- not necessarily growth, but movement. cogs spinning, wheels turning, brains bending. it's pillow talk believed. it's denying the innuendo of an umbrella. innosence lost? threee threee thee tree threeee nevermind fascinations. fetishistic knowledge whore.

read up china and country populouses, flags, birth ratios. u.s.= 2.1 births/woman. WOW.

i don't know where i'm going most times, even after i decide wherever it is, i cannot think of why i decided it, and then suddenly turn or panic or cut someone off.....all the while scrolling through virginia looking for god knows what to listen to (though it is VERY specific what i'm craving) and checking my voicemail/missed calls. suprisingly, i make it home to repeat all the same shit- open the fridge looking for whoknowswhat to consume, being disappointed at the look of it all, meandering over to the bookshelf- more disappointment......arrrrrrrghhhh.....

wake up, get ready for work, go to work, work, come home, get ready for bed, go to bed, wake up, get ready for work, go to work, work...... oh, and then somewhere in all that is umm "eat" and "pay bills". i'm livin' the dream, folks. stand back a bit further though, i know your awe is overwhelming.

my love isn't going to be back until next monday night....i cannot believe it. i won't actually get to see him until tuesday....which just makes it so much worse. i can't even think about it. tears in my eyes.....i mean, at least i'm even more busy with work....but to not be able to talk to him?! siiiiiiiiigh.......this is death.

i'm really in love with my hair....and i guess everyone else isn't so much. a customer said to me yesterday with that look in his eye "*sigh* you remind me of my daughter". i could hear all that fatherly loveness in his voice when he said it, too. i couldn't even respond......i just smiled real big at him and made his food. i really miss how it used to be......when my dad says anything to me now i just sob.

i just feel so hollowed. as if the great proverbial cook peeled off all my skin and went even further to remove my pith as well, leaving me as a patheticly pale white rind. i'm really nothing but scrap now.....though i doubt even the pigs would eat me. i am nothing but my love for others, and when my heart is away from me i cannot love. please don't ever leave me again.....

i feel like i need to run into the woods and stay there for a very long while. do you think the oak preserve would have me?

sleeeeeepinessssssssessss.......... i miss my voice a great deal. i cannot seem to be able to recall the last time i actually heard myself. maybe she's been hanged. and oh, i love my bed.

i'm consistently finding myself doing things simply because i know they're what "the old me" liked. what-the-fuck-ever. i can't do this much longer- it's killing.

i need someone to just say "ok, brianne" and be done. when was it that i allowed myself to fall so freely for so long? what happened there? and how will i ever climb such a mountain of isolation again?

i have mastered an astounding ability at wasting. any and everything. send me all your goods, post haste.

he's only been gone since yesterday morning and already i want to lay down and melt into the earth. it's funny (or rather, not so) how everything can lose it's meaning when the one you love most is away from you. i've still got 10 days ahead of me without him.......what am i going to do without my love....??

sigh. i wish the urge to see beautiful lovely people and spend time with them would return. it's blackness being alone at present. i am so suddenly aware of the vast and gaping nothingness that exsists without him. siiiiiiiiigh......

at any time that you wish for confirmation of my love for you, you only need look in the mirror and behold the anguish on your face. i would never go out of my way to hurt anyone i didn't really care for.

the bosses are on a firing spree. 3 chicks in the past week. 1 that i was responsible for.....i felt so fucking bad. and on top of it all- she came in today thinking she was working the night shift with me. no one had told her. SIIIIIGH.......

Bliss
-Muse

everything about you is how i'd want to be
your freedom comes naturally
everything about you resonates happiness
now i won't settle for less

give me all the peace and joy in your mind

everything about you pains my envying
your soul can't hate anything
everything about you is so easy to love
they're watching you from above

give me all the peace and joy in your mind
i want the peace and joy in your mind
give me the peace and joy in your mind

everything about you resonates happiness
now i won't settle for less

give me all the peace and joy in your mind
i want the peace and joy in your mind
give me the peace and joy in your mind

i'm so sick of settling for half-assed intelligence. i want everything whole and complete. striving, growing, swelling......no stagnance to speak of. sick sick sickkkk....

i miss mind games. i miss nightly, scheduled, mental stimulation. i miss being yelled at instead of tolerated for laughing at my own jokes and never making sense and talking to myself. i miss all his lusty passion and goal-oriented straightforward approach. i miss being ugly and rookie to everything. i wish he could have taught me.........master, keeper, and underivative of all my suffering.

i am lain waste....