god....i'm full of all this fantasy. i don't ever wish to live real. what death.

i no longer wish to suffer in the cause of you. you serve only as old dreams....nostalgic, stagnant, headache-inducing. slow and steady, ever-slowly the branches grow toward the sun.....

i'm eager for new pains, new beauties. GARDENS, film, flowers, photos, grass. i want to fall asleep in sarah duke and be brought to consciousness with sun warming the eyelids. i want to drive endlessly and get absolutely lost in trees and nothing.....breathable air.

i'm glad for the future. this is something i want.

i still haven't informed my parents or worked out any of the details, but it looks like i'm moving back east come january. i feel ummm..... fairly confident about its outlooks being positive. i'm certain to find more like-minded individuals, i'll have access to SOOOO much more of everything, schools, books, ideas, greatness, jobs......family. best of all, i'm going to be able to act like a fucking idiot if i need to. goodbye rent. i think i'm going to enjoy feeling secure a lot more than is necessary.

i think the fresh air and all those trees will do me some real good. a good-sized commute into raleigh, but i can deal with that. i can spend more time in chapel hill with my cousins whom i love very dearly....that should be great fun. i'm finally going to feel like i'm making myself.

upward and onward.....

kiss kiss

i dreamt about you last night
and i fell out of bed twice
you can pin and mount me
like a butterfly

you had been living in the upstairs for near 2 years. you came down last night only to give me your month's notice in writing, you would be leaving. i remembered when you broke the dark bottle at my feet and watched me gouge every single shard into my left hand. i followed you back upstairs after some moments, and you didn't mind. we laughed and smiled and you seemed fairly amused, completely unbothered by the situation.... you were so beautiful- and glowing. i wondered at why i had never visited before. i decided it had been worth the two year's wait.

....but take me to the haven of your bed
was something that you never said

let's get over this

i used to feel safe in the car when you would drive me around. i don't feel safe with anyone these days.

it takes a marked amount longer at a much louder volume to provide the same effects. i am alone and discontent.

i thought i had gone a few miles west, but in truth i had gone many many miles east. yes, it was in the dark- and no, i was not paying attention, but honestly......how does that happen? and what the hell is wrong with me and sense, intuition, feeling?

they're all singing "landslide" in the room down the hall....billy croons so sweetly.

is it horrible that i'm thinking of running away? i'm almost convinced i would have much better luck in the triangle. no more smog, no more dry desert dirt, no more teen pregnancy, no more false kindness, no more sick stupidity. i'd love to trade it all for some sweet tea and collard greens.

this gets me thinking muchly on the prospect of opposition. i CRAVE conflict and discomfort.....i NEED pain to produce and grow and be. it's got to be ugly somewhere so that beauty can be recognized as such, no? the triangle can give me this. it's just that i don't know what to do with my brother.....i've got to work on getting him well-situated before there is to be any movement on my part. i'm thinking february/march? maybe.....?

sigh. love love....kiss kiss

while i recline somberly on my bed (ever-supine), "you make me nervous" is what she says. i'm so sorry i can't just turn it off at will...really.

i'm nearing a path now.  this is what i would like above all things to embody:

....

The Goddess of Mercy is unique among the heavenly hierarchy in that She is so utterly free from pride or vengefulness that She remains reluctant to punish even those to whom a severe lesson might be appropriate. Individuals who could be sentenced to dreadful penance in other systems can attain rebirth and renewal by simply calling upon Her graces with utter and absolute sincerity. It is said that, even for one kneeling beneath the executioner's sword already raised to strike, a single heartfelt cry to Bodhisattva Quan Yin will cause the blade to fall shattered to the ground.

The many stories and anecdotes featuring this Goddess serve to convey the idea of an enlightened being who embodies the attributes of an all pervasive, all consuming, unwavering loving compassion and who is accessible to everyone. Quan Yin counsels us by Her actions to cultivate within ourselves those particular refined qualities that all beings are said to naturally possess in some vestigial form.

Contemplating the Goddess of Mercy involves little dogma or ritual. The simplicity of this gentle being and Her standards tends to lead Her devotees towards becoming more compassionate and loving themselves. A deep sense of service to all fellow beings naturally follows any devotion to the Goddess.

....

my favorite school teacher- one of the best things that ever happened to me, Ms. Villanueva, once compared me to Quan Yin in something lovely she wrote in my senior yearbook. i would very much like to find myself as comparable to a Wanda, a Quan Yin, an Elizabeth, an Orlando, my grandmother. i want to be what i want in someone else. i want to be fucking amazing. anything less will disappoint.

in other news: i may be moving back east in the coming year. pondering this idea verrrry carefully.

love

being so complacent

i hear the loud murmurs of the lovers cooing and calling at eachother through the thinnest of walls in this godforsaken apartment...... and how jealous i am. my room mate has got somebody for tonight and i don't.

_____________________________

it must be made note of:

i met my psychic-artist 2nd cousin Olivia (she's half Iranian, and was raised there) on friday. she kept pulling me close and asking anyone who would pay her attention "don't we look just alike?!" and then she'd stare at me, pause, and then burst into laughter as i desperately tried to convey meaning while answering her incredibly broad questions....

we look nothing alike. and she is an absolute loon (but an INTJ, no less).

i like her very well, indeed. i plan to visit sometime early next year.

____________________________

while i cat napped, mother kindly propped the winter solstice tree up against the wall after having made sure no one else would need to hack at the stump and then accidently fillet their right hand and need 4 stitches (darby is ok). so, i was able to decorate it complete with gawdy crystal things, red lights, and crow atop. it's marvelous.

bad day for the anxieties....i was very much hoping to "run into" steven......but i just couldn't. yesterday really kicked my ass. i have been deeply, deeply, wounded. i suppose i am meant for a recovery in solitude. i am content with that.

love.

a marriage is a business deal you enter in with a person you can respect and get along with. someone you won't be spending too much time with. i want a man i am very fond of, who is concerned with protecting me and keeping me safe and well pleased (of course, i want to do the same).

you don't marry or co-habitate with the person you're in love with. you will fall out of love.

are you desiring stability or are you an utter romantic, willing to sacrifice it all for love?

i want the stability. an open, enlightened stable marriage....where i can practice, read, write, play, be anything whatever anytime all i want, alone. alone. something similar to the film The Painted Veil.

i am possessed with the idea of throwing myself into the search for this...... i just don't know.

this is a wordy rapping hood

so...ummm...chicks on speed. jesus.

i barely have enough money to breathe right now. the one way i am able to indulge myself is in long drives out to the country on my way home from work using tips for gas. thank goodness the air is free out there...i don't know what i'd do otherwise.

darby spoils us terribly. i wake up, there's a gawdy candlestick on the kitchen counter. i come home from work, an orange bracelet on my laptop. "here- watch this, read this."

it's got to be very concious to relax. and it's going to have to be very calculated to stifle all this desire. just stop. you're ok. depeche mode, goethe, goldfrapp, virginia will hug and love you.

who taught me to be so needy? i'd like to really.......jesus.

Theosophy:

One Life pervades and sustains the universe.

The universe is the manifestation of an eternal, boundless and immutable Reality beyond the range of human understanding.

Matter and consciousness (or spirit) are the two polar aspects of that ultimate Reality, from whose interplay proceed innumerable universes in an endless cycle of manifestation and dissolution.

An intelligence that is both immanent and transcendent is the basis of all laws of nature. "Deity is Law," said H. P. Blavatsky.

The visible universe is only its densest part; the whole universe contains also invisible worlds of exceedingly tenuous matter interpenetrating the physical.

The entire system of the universe, visible and invisible, is the scene of a great scheme of evolution, in which life moves to ever more expressive form, more responsive awareness, and more unified consciousness.

The human consciousness (also called spirit or soul) is in essence identical with the one supreme Reality, which Ralph Waldo Emerson called the "Oversoul," including each of our particular beings and uniting us with one another.

The gradual unfolding of this latent divine Reality within us takes place by the process of reincarnation, which is an aspect of the cyclic law seen everywhere in nature, by periods of activity alternating with periods of rest and assimilation. As Saint Paul says, whatever we sow, we will inevitably reap. This is the law of karma, by which we weave our own destiny through the ages. It is the great hope for humanity, for it gives us the opportunity to create our future by what we do in the present.

The human pilgrimage takes us from our source in the One through experience of the many, back to union with the One Divine Reality. Our goal is thus to complete the cosmic cycle of manifestation with full conscious realization of ourselves, no longer polarized between consciousness and matter or divided into self and other, but unified within and united with all other beings through our common Source. This realization is enlightenment.

religion is a LIE.

god does not actually EXIST. god is an IDEA.

TIME is inconsequential.

LOVE and ONENESS are all.