silly silly.

i miss home.

but i really super like it here. haha....

good music is everywhere.....things like film festivals (that i can't find) and museums, duke, etc. kisses....

steven and i are going to drive all up and down the coast. weee....yaay...

full time work is for those with friends already established. this is proving impossible. i meet really neat people, but can never manage to see them. and then i do the smartest things like volunteer to work on the weekend, which i have off. umm.....i've obviously been abused. boo.

silly silly girl. i need curls. wanda wants to come back.

lalalalalaa....

cinco de marzo.

i recall welcoming the idea of a good cry because i knew there would at least be relief, release. what happened?

i remember racing home to pile it all in to the mighty keyboard to ever-so delicately make sense of all that had been dancing in my mind during the day's light. where did that feeling go?

i've completely desensitized myself to anything natural. it takes the best stuff going these days to get me to hear and feel all that rushing air coming for me. i've got to make an effort to breathe correct and open. where once there may have been a fledgling tree with the most patheticly barren limbs known.....but at least that tree could grow. at least that tree felt that air and lived in all the light. what is this now? is there any viable excuse? i am ashamed of myself. utterly ashamed.

love love.

when it really comes down to it, i am a very sick individual. i have no business doing any of what i'm involved in at the moment, nor do i deserve to have such amazing friends to love and keep me throughout. i am SO FUCKING LONELY, you could not know. i've been spoilt. absolutely ruined- by my own doing. damn me.

nothing good can come to me, because there is nothing good for me to give in return. i cannot be kind and sincere and loving and exude nicety......i have no love to give besides those i have been for years. i deserve no new companionship. i deserve this stagnant and frail solitude. i won't beg. i won't fucking beg.

this....nigredo is death. there just isn't anything. i am utterly desolate. this is disgusting. i am ashamed for myself. how i am meant to learn and grow, hold down a job, and keep steady during such mercurial waters, i do not understand. there is no feeling like this.

these are the flowers steven sent me. sigh.

"Neoplatonists believed human perfection and happiness were attainable in this world, without awaiting an afterlife. Perfection and happiness— seen as synonymous— could be achieved through philosophical contemplation.

They did not believe in an independent existence of evil. They compared it to darkness, which does not exist in itself but only as the absence of light. So too, evil is simply the absence of good. Things are good insofar as they exist; they are evil only insofar as they are imperfect, lacking some good that they should have. It is also a cornerstone of Neoplatonism to teach that all people return to the Source. The Source, Absolute, or One is what all things spring from and, as a superconsciousness, is where all things return. It can be said that all consciousness is wiped clean and returned to a blank slate when returning to the Source. All things have energy as their essence. When people return to the Source, their energy returns to the One, Monad, or Source and is then recycled into the cosmos, where it can be broken up and then amalgamated into other things."

....is it wholly rational to subscribe to such beliefs?

good morning, captain.

i needed a smoke, but there was someone in the living room.
i needed you to tell me how stupid and pathetic and retarded i am, and you were online.
i needed to pull all that feeling out through my fingertips, but the words wouldn't come.
i needed a fix, so i fucking killed the phone.
i needed a friend.......
i needed a slap.........
i needed encouragement.....
i needed your fucking hair.....
i needed your monotonously storied vocabulary......
i still need you.

i miss you.

are you a bottom or a top?

today i flipped through the independent and came upon an ad for their annual poetry contest. eh...? logic soon returned it's death-grip on me and pulled me back into reality...."umm...who knows what the fuck they're looking for, you know?" yeah. to hell with that. it's eventually got to be time to start throwing stones into the dark, right?

i recovered from shortbus more quickly than i would have guessed. tonight is Ninotchka; "Garbo laughs!"

last night i poured over all 1000 or so pages of two years ago. i laughed allowed and missed that girl. she was strong and open and knowing. how depressing.....and yet i love to reminisce and be impressed. how could i not?

i need physical interaction. eye contact and body language is important. i have missed paining myself like this. i learn the most necessary things.

kiss kiss

another me came in my room and was making her way around the bed toward me. she was striped red and white and covered in paints and babbling....i sent her back in reverse and decided it was best to wake up and hit the lights. it's been a while since i've seen her, was what i thought.

i've picked up somewhere around 5 books since i've been here and focus doesn't seem to have the slightest bit of desire for being leashed where text absorbing is concerned. so, i watched Shortbus today. excellence.

yesterday was good fun. i could spend all day walking unc chapel hill.

kiss kiss

god. i need this. ahem:

To Do

talk to manager about transferring my job
talk to olivia about coming up to visit and museum hopping
talk to yvonne about visiting and touring more of the city before i leave...=(
get gary all primped and ready...oil change, etc.
turn off the gas and electric & close bank account
envision how all my shit's going to manage into the back of gary...eeep
traffic school for that *fucking* speeding ticket
oh...and uh....tell the apartment bitch i'm leaving

i've got 2 more weeks. i can do this.....

i have to believe that sin can make a better man

i am completely excited for all things future-oriented, but i will be loathe to part from this one.

nights are spent pouring over all their wordy meaning repeatedly and thumbing through the large text on world religions i recently came upon. how universal humanity is. really.

intellectual is the best sort of stimulation. i want it all to be done already, really.

when this world is trying its hardest to leave me unimpressed