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  • the fam went to see the durham bulls. the game got rained out. exciting. i got 10 minutes of sun before the clouds converged.

    newest of the new friends are really neat. i am quite fond of them already. sane, relaxed, confident people make everything worth the while.

    i've been wearing so much black. it feels good.

    this evening out was good fun. theological conversating out in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant in raleigh. life is cute.

    http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Danae

    i want to love more.

    kiss kiss

  • nobody walks in l.a.



    i'm really trying to work this out in my mind. i really am. i just can't see the other side. it's not me or something i want. .....or is it? and then, what about school? sleeping alone in my own bed hurts my back like nothing else. i think it's time for the floor again.

    everything's gone foggy again. ho-hum. i think i need a full week at this point. autism/stress is a bitch. i'm about to freak out on someone.

    this is good:

    http://www.pandorasshoebox.co.uk/page17.htm

    i watched Forsaking All Others yesterday. all loveliness.

    i love you from afar. always.

  • eternal darkness

    last night with the girls was much fun. my lady lit all my cigarettes for me and brought me fruity fuzzy drinks all night long. sweetest red headed vixen there ever was....too bad she's married with three kids. haha. and oh, how i danced.....

    i've turned ugliness pretty again. it has been so good to be quiet and alone. i am quite thankful for it. i know more of what i want now, and that means everything.

    relax. slow down.

    kisses and love.

  • when i was 12, the class put on a greek tragedy. teacher called off the various parts, and i raised my hand for Hermes. "why do you want to be a guy?" "he only has one line, anyway." sigh.

    i spent the class period after lunch in a class called "visual communications" my senior year. i passed away the entirety of the semester alone, sitting at a table wearing headphones and reading mauroir, woolf, and wilde. mrs. johnson gave me a C. and, i believe, a B one quarter.

    when i was very young, my best friend and i would sing and make up dance routines to paula abdul and janet jackson. i remember one day, we got in a huge girl fight and it ended with her on the floor, sobbing, and looking up at me while she begged me to stop torturing her with words.

    when i was even younger, i played with barbies while listening to b95- which at the time played nothing but those cheezy dance-house songs of the early 90s. every time my parents came in to check on me, i'd turn the station because i was so embarrassed.

    this morning i recalled the time i decided to water the carpet in the living room of my aunt and uncle's house out in the country. that may or may not have been the day my aunt decided to "teach me how to fight". my uncle was really upset when he came home and i was covered in scrapes and blood. i miss him a lot. he was a good guy.

    i got braces at a ridiculously early age. i think i was 9. so, my classmates would ask me about what it felt like, how much it hurt, things like that. i would do my best to assuage their fears by making them laugh about the sad fact of no longer being able to chew gum, and having to wear rubber bands in their mouths. eventually, i got so good at giving my little "speech" on the subject, that one day i had little andrew (who has now since come out and is living in long beach) in tears laughing so hard. the next day, he came up to me and pleaded with me for the length of recess to give him "the talk" again.

    ah, nostalgia.

    kiss kiss.

  • so, i wrote an old flame......

    a nice looking brown boy left me a voicemail last night, wanting to meet up....i didn't call back because he was the wrong brown boy. NOT YOU. i am so lonely for you. tears well up in my eyes at just the thought. i don't know what to do. every guy i meet is nothing to me because of you. i can't see properly into their eyes because none are as big and brown as yours. i close my eyes and all i see is that weird smile on your face....and all that beautiful wavy hair. god. i am not intimidated by distance. i am not afraid of time spent away. but how i miss words and emails and your voice......

    that is what should have been written. this is what was writ:

    how's life?

    i miss talking to you.

    yeah. fuck, basically. i've got his response sitting in my inbox.....i'm not ready to read it. i've already established that it was simply sent to permanently rid himself of me...probably "oh, i'm engaged. life is great." or, "now that you're so old, i've lost interest in you. please go away."

    i don't remember the last time i behaved in such a manner over another living person. it's usually Oscar or Nietzsche that does such things to my sanity and causes such flutterings in my heart.... i don't know about this one.

    back to reality for a moment-

    i babysat yesterday for a co-worker. 3 little redheaded children. bottles and diapers, the whole thing. it was actually somewhat fun. not much screaming, and they had excellent manners. completely strange.

    in an attempt to be more southern, walker and i made mint juleps. they were undrinkable. full stop.

    kisses and love.

  • i try to make do with much more of less

    i will not confess to listening to lily allen.

    in celebration of gary cooper's birthday, The Fountainhead was on tcm this afternoon. i wish there were a version that could do the book justice.....watching it leaves me just....unfulfilled.

    walker and i made mint juleps last evening- they were terrible.

    i can't remember the last time i felt so lonesome. there is no thought i can conjure to relieve the overwhelming reality of it.....i am just alone, no matter how close.

    i sat on the porch in the swing while the wind blew up everything, unsettling the cul de sac to the enths. i wondered at how many different varieties of tree we've got between just these four houses. such contrast.

    i have a brilliant lexicographer to thank for this:  http://dictionary.reference.com/reverse/

  • let the loneliness sink in.

    i feel as if i'm becoming one of those bachelors. a young man with too much time, too selfish, too frightened to ever achieve what he really wants. i distract myself with my myriad interests in solitude. i spend these beautiful mornings indoors for fear of encountering someone else taking an equal amount of pleasure in it. i read only in my room for no longer wishing to defend myself or having to see those looks with eyes when i trail off into a haze of INTENSELY USELESS INFORMATION. my only epiphanies are had on my drive to work as the sun rises and pushes all that still air off the road. that's 5 days a week. 25 minutes each. oh, but where will i go next? nyc is only an 8 hour drive from here. don't be silly. you can barely afford to drive to work and back. could i fly alone knowing there was no one on the other end waiting to receive me? is it so different driving? i can't think of a better way to test how overly independent i've become. somehow i cannot seem to grow any other part of me beyond average. I ONLY EXCEL AT SELFISHNESS.

    dad leaves various magazines outside my bedroom door which usually includes pop mechanics, time, rolling stone, and every so often sci american. it's all i have the patience for these days. i scan over all differing evil acts performed by hillary, and learn of the most interesting recent discoveries. such as twins not really being twins?! and then last night while flipping through rolling stone, i came upon a photo of amoeba in l.a. and almost came to tears. who needs novels?

    i am currently studying the kama sutra, of all texts. it has been most informative as to how one should behave as a proper only wife, how a wife must behave as if in mourning when her husband is away, and then all the herbs and spices a wife is expected to grow and tend to.

    we've had the most brilliant weather this past week. i don't know how much more of it i can stand. spring cleaning, busy busy.

    kisses.

  • i've been thinking about being a "Breigh". but how nauseating, really.

    last night the dude i hand my cash, i.d., and membership card to at the 506 wished me a happy birthday. it's nice to still be hearing it....even from strangers.

    i passed up the opportunity to go visit my uncle in the hospital to enjoy being alone in the house. i am a selfish, selfish girl....and my dad gave me that disappointed look. ick.

    ma and i spent 3 hours at the farmer's market and came away with all varieties of potted plants, jam, honey, and handmade soaps. we listened to The Doors and Hole and sang and conversed. i am also a spoiled girl.

    i've collected a lot of new music in the past weeks. and beginning to feel that grating nudge of jadedness over all the wonderful live music i've been experiencing. i've decided on locking myself away for the summer to recuperate. "oh, it's the weather" makes for the best excuse.

    somehow i've come upon a small social life. it's quite pleasant, i admit. but honestly, i find it unfulfilling and really makes the desire for a deeper connection with people grow. i just turned 21 and i've already tired of going out? i don't believe that. when it comes down to it, i've really just got to DO those few things i am dying to. making grandiose plans of travel are an easy distraction....i've got to quit those. i want to make music. i want to MAKE music. i want to.

    life is getting heavier and heavier. i just don't know.

    kiss kiss

  • i was born this day in 1987. kiss kiss, love love for i am now 21.